Close Calls
by jrocks
Summary: Following the confession of her feelings, Fiona and Holly J's friendship seems to be returning to normal, but both soon begin to wonder if they've really heard the whole story.
1. Chapter 1

A close call. A close shave. By an immaculately curled hair's breadth and the skin of her perfectly straight teeth. And though Fiona doesn't know the first thing about football, she's pretty sure this is what they call pulling off the Hail Mary. Deeply-held secrets are not often revealed in half measures - they are strung with an almost physically palpable tension, violent and destructive on release, rarely failing to leave a mark on their target. The decision to reveal a confidence has to carefully judge the promise of catharsis against the damage it is likely to cause - but Fiona didn't need catharsis. Whether it was rationalization or not, Fiona's guilt at keeping her feelings from Holly J was mitigated by the knowledge that if this was anything, _anything_ else, she would trust Holly J implicitly. But this was not a matter of trust, it was about preserving a friendship that meant more to Fiona than anything in the world.

The decision to keep a secret, however, isn't worth much if one is not its sole owner. Grudgingly, Fiona had to concede that the news being delivered by proxy was likely what tipped the balance in her favor. Though the aftermath of Anya's revelation ultimately felt more like a stopgap than a real resolution, Fiona still had to wonder if her making moony eyes at Holly J in The Dot wasn't perhaps a subconscious invitation for Anya to call her out. Fiona could deal with the cleanup work, the damage control, but if it fell on her shoulders to say the words herself, there was no way her relationship with Holly J could have come out intact. She knew the look in her eyes and the waver in her words would betray her, more so now that the buffer of a nice bottle of extra brut was no longer an option. The only thing more unacceptable than Holly J thinking this was anything more than a glorified crush would be for her to catch Fiona glassy-eyed, oozing Dom from every tiny pore, knowing she had broken her sobriety.

This was the outcome Fiona had hoped for. As far as she was concerned it was the _only_ possible, the only acceptable, outcome. Yet she couldn't escape the persistent needling that her fortune was not blind luck and circumstance, a feeling that she had just been allowed to get away with something. Fiona wanted a clear line in the sand - what she got was a question mark. At the very least, it meant that Holly J was matching her efforts to keep their friendship intact, and Fiona was grateful that the other girl had chosen not to needle her about any of the messy details. There was a way that conversation should have gone, a predictable arc it should have followed - things that should have been said, questions that should have been asked, and an ending which, to at least one of them, was all but a foregone conclusion. That's not how it went. The actors ripped up the script and decided to wing it, but whether they wrote a new ending in the process seemed yet to be determined. Either way, Fiona was grateful that she had been given an unexpected opportunity to play her cards close to the vest.

Of course, even the best poker players get caught bluffing. A stolen glance, a smile, a quirk of the head. Another close call.


	2. Chapter 2

Notes: This chapter picks up the morning after the dance and is mostly from Anya's perspective.

Thanks for reading and enjoy!

* * *

><p>The post-dance atmosphere had been muted, but not uncomfortable. Anya had expected awkwardness, that particular and singular kind of awkwardness that can only result from people desperately trying to <em>not <em>be awkward around one another. In its place, there was only an opaque sense of the incomplete, a vague buzzing of words left unsaid, and the resignation that they would not, or could not be said that night. The rest of the night seemed to be business as usual - small-talk had been made, a sappy movie had been inattentively watched, and sleeping arrangements had been followed without deviation.

Now, the girls were sitting down to a luxurious brunch. In addition to the promised bagels and lox, Fiona had made a batch of scrambled eggs, left out a plate of crackers and Comté, and poured the girls orange juice in Champagne flutes, which Fiona insisted on jokingly referring to as virgin mimosas. It certainly couldn't be said that Fiona Coyne lacked in decorum and hospitality, but Anya, for her part, was mostly indifferent to the spread, which was more a mark of distraction than finicky eating habits or any desire to appear ungracious.

Anya watched as Holly J and Fiona brought together their salmon-topped bagels in an impromptu toast, before each took a bite in perfect concert. Feeling a sincere but transient twinge of guilt, Anya continued to regard her friends. Certainly to the casual observer the pair had every appearance of an undisturbed friendship - and at this moment even the knowing observer was nearing persuasion. Yet even if the perception that yesterday's events were ultimately little more than a speed bump in Fiona and Holly J's friendship was ameliorating to her conscience, Anya found herself beginning to suspect that they had averted, or at least carefully sidestepped, one crisis only to be immediately saddled with another. The context seemed to have changed though, as if it were no longer simply a matter of what her friends stood to lose.

Before that last thought could germinate any further, Anya's musings were interrupted by the sharp ringing of a cellphone, quickly identified to be Holly J's.

Holly J glanced at the phone's display. "I should take this, don't eat all the lox while I'm gone." She smiled and excused herself from the room, leaving Anya and Fiona alone for the first time since last night. _Now _things were awkward. Fiona had made it abundantly clear that she would prefer the entire subject never be brought up again, but Anya bad been chomping at the bit for an official debriefing, which did not seem forthcoming or practical with everyone together, and she had no intention of letting the opportunity go to waste.

Anya cleared her throat, drawing Fiona's reluctant gaze in her direction. "So, I guess dry feet aren't my only problem. I should probably get those loose lips checked next time I'm at the doctor's." Anya grinned at her own joke, but quickly decided to change tack when Fiona's po-faced stare made it clear that she was unmoved. "Listen, Fiona, I'm sorry for telling Holly J, I just..." Anya found herself unsure of how to fill that blank. "I'm just sorry. If you ever decide to confide in me again I'll make sure it stays in the vault for at _least _24 hours."

This time, the joke seemed to work. Fiona let out a tense breath, softening her guarded expression. "Well, your loose lips didn't sink any ships, so, I guess I can issue a pardon this time." Anya smiled gratefully before Fiona continued. "Holly J isn't stupid, and obviously I wasn't being very discreet since it took you about two seconds to call me out." Fiona sighed. "She would've figured it out eventually."

Anya nodded. Given Holly J's greater incentive for denial, she had her doubts about how quickly that would have actually happened, but decided not to press the issue. "So, you and Holly J are really okay?"

Fiona paused. "Yeah, we're great. Perfect."

Anya frowned. Even if it was expected, that was the kind of perfunctory answer she was hoping to avoid. It was a sure sign that Fiona was looking for a way to withdraw, and Anya knew she had to act quickly to extract any information she could from the other girl before she completely shut down. "But you guys must've had a pretty serious talk... how did that go?"

"Fine." The monosyllabic reply earned an incredulous gaze from Anya. "Okay, fine, in the hope that I can _finally _get you to drop it..." Fiona took a moment to steady herself. "I told her that I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere, that I'd get over her, move on."

Anya smiled ruefully. Years of back-and-forth with Sav had taught her how easy those words were to say and how difficult they were to mean. "So... can you? Move on?"

Fiona gave a resigned shrug. "I have to."

Anya returned a small smile in sympathy. "What if you don't want to?"

Whatever reply Fiona may have had was silenced when Holly J returned, phone still to her ear but obviously on the tail end of the conversation. "Thank you so much for letting me know. Yeah, I'll see you then. Thanks again, bye." Holly J ended the call, beaming from ear to ear. If she at all sensed the uneasy atmosphere in the room, she didn't show it as she approached her friends, who were busily trying not to appear too curious. "So, that was my doctor. Guess who's renal system is officially back in tip-top shape?"

Anya rushed over to her friend and gave her a quick hug. "I'm so happy for you. So, that's it, you're all better?"

"Well, I still have some meds to take and a check-in every week at the hospital, but I'm done with dialysis. Sooner than they thought I'd be, actually."

Fiona laughed and wrapped Holly J in a tight embrace, which she had to force herself to disengage from before there was even the chance of it becoming awkward. "Count on Holly J to always be the overachiever. I knew you could do it."

"Well, overachieving is kind of what got me into this mess in the first place, so, promise to rein me in if I ever go all crazy Type A again, okay?"

"Promise, but, I still wish I could have been there the _first _time." The memory of her absence during the time of Holly J's initial hospitalization was still a sore spot for Fiona. She and Holly J had already had this conversation though, and Fiona knew it didn't need to be rehashed. Still, it stuck in her craw that after everything Holly J had done for her, Fiona wasn't able to be there for her friend when _she _needed her. That her unavailability was a direct result of Holly J interceding in Fiona's own crisis only served to further twist the knife, but Fiona knew she was at a point where she needed to pick her battles, and this didn't seem like a point to dwell on.

Fortunately, Anya decided to interject before Fiona became could become too absorbed in her thoughts. "So ladies, any spring break plans now that lives are no longer in the balance?" Anya hoped that the other girls were relieved enough by the tension-breaker that they didn't notice the note of incipient plotting that Anya was almost certain had seeped into her voice. She needed answers, and a full week in close quarters seemed as auspicious an occasion as she was likely to get.

Holly J spoke up. "Well, I guess I'm wide open now, but, I'm not sure how much traveling I should be doing yet. Cross-country trips are probably a no-go, but, I'd totally be up for something a bit more local. Fiona, any ideas?"

Fiona was caught a bit off guard here. She had vacillated over spending the week in New York, but the truth was that until recently there was a very high probability of her simply staying in town and keeping Holly J company on the days she had dialysis. If there was one thing Fiona Coyne knew well, though, it was how to entertain her friends and spend a lot of money doing it, and it didn't take long for a plan to take shape. "How about we spend a week in the city. No parents, no guys, no _extraneous _girls - just us. We'll stay at the fanciest hotel, eat out every night, hit up the spa, go shopping. And, weather permitting, we'll take a day-trip to the lake and get some sun."

"That sounds amazing, and... expensive." Holly J had fought this battle with Fiona before, and though she was confident that Fiona wasn't trying to buy her friendship anymore, she still wasn't completely comfortable with the amount of money from the other girl's pocket that this trip was certainly going to entail.

Fiona knew where this was going. "My mom said I could do whatever I wanted with the money from the trial, and I _want _to treat my two best friends to a fantastic, stress-free week in the city. Please please please. I promise I won't pay for everything - once we hit Yorkdale it's every girl for herself."

Holly J gave a relenting sigh, finding herself increasingly powerless to resist Fiona's obvious excitement. "Anya, can we count you in?"

Anya laughed. "Hmm. Live it up with my best girlfriends or stay home and probably have my mom glower at me the whole time? You don't need to twist my arm, I'm there."

Fiona squealed with delight. "So, it's a date?"

Holly J gave her friend a warm smile. "I'm all yours." She quickly rephrased. "_We're _all yours."

Anya suddenly had a feeling that this was going to be a _very _enlightening week.


	3. Chapter 3

Notes: I struggled with this chapter quite a bit. I had intended to get the entire spring break trip done in one chapter, but got a bit sidetracked here exploring some other ideas, so it'll have to be a two-parter. The next chapter will be more focused on the action, since this one is, well, pretty much all exposition.

Again, this is mostly from Anya's perspective. Fiona and Holly J are of course going to be explored more intensely in coming chapters.

Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing! Enjoy the chapter.

* * *

><p>There was a collective gasp as the heavy wood door swung open, revealing a spacious, elegant and generously-appointed suite. By her own frame of reference, Anya could only describe the space as palatial, yet she had the feeling that if Fiona had wanted to, she probably could have sprung for even more lavish accommodations. That she chose not to was likely a concession meant to allay some of Holly J's lingering anxiety about the size of the tab this trip would run up, but regardless of motivation, Anya found herself thankful for Fiona's minor moment of thrift. The room was unquestionably luxurious, but it wasn't large enough to get lost in - there were no little nooks or hiding places, which was important given that Anya intended to keep a very close eye on her friends this week.<p>

Anya had begun to envision their week together as something of an obstacle course for her companions - a series of challenges, and an opportunity for her to observe, take notes, analyze, and ultimately decide on the proper course of action. It sounded clinical, but she had made it a point to maintain a measure of detachment - there needed to be _someone _rational in this equation, and it was clear that neither Fiona nor Holly J were going to be able to fill that role. Anya knew she couldn't be completely impartial given her own relationship with the other girls, but even possessing a modicum of distance was helpful in such a potentially thorny situation. Both of her friends could and would retreat if they sensed any kind of covert agenda at work, so Anya knew she had to pick her battles carefully and arrive well-armed for the ones she chose.

Anya set her suitcase down by the door and took a moment to survey her surroundings. Her eyes landing on the pair of king-size beds which dominated the space, Anya allowed herself a furtive smile. Obstacle number one. It seemed, though, that the sleeping arrangements had already been tacitly decided upon, as Fiona and Holly J were in the process of heaving their own luggage onto either side of the bed closer to the window. Anya knew that that it was not particularly noteworthy, per se, that the other girls would choose to share a bed, but there was something in the natural, unspoken ease of the situation that caught her attention. It was almost as if it had never occurred to either of the girls that any other configuration would work.

It was not at all lost on Anya that many girls maintained close, even intimate friendships which were completely unromantic, but without a personal point of reference she found herself somewhat at a loss for how to interpret the nature of her friends' relationship. The effortless familiarity shared between the girls was simply too far removed from her experience, particularly with regard to her own complex history with Holly J.

Even now, Anya had little insight into the other girl's behavior during the more strained periods of their friendship. With Anya, it seemed that Holly J only ran hot or cold - the warmth she now so easily shares with Fiona so rarely present. Holly J had an impulse toward power and control in every aspect of her life, which naturally extended to her friendships, but Anya was never satisfied with that as the sole explanation. Holly J's actions seemed jealous, possessive. Anya never understood why the other girl held on to her so suffocatingly tight when she already had her wrapped around her little finger without even trying. That Holly J only _really _bared her fangs when Sav came into the picture was yet another source of confusion, another question that was never answered. As always, Holly J and Anya reconciled quietly, with little fanfare and even less understanding of what had actually caused the friction in their friendship.

Anya shook her head. She didn't need those answers anymore - not for herself, at least. With everything else going on she wasn't sure if it was the best idea to make her walk down memory lane a group outing, even if she had a growing sense that it could shed some light on the current situation. As it stood, any conclusion Anya could draw about what Holly J's behavior toward her meant would only be supposition, but at this point, that was enough. As far as she was concerned, this was no longer abstract or academic - the possibility of Holly J reciprocating Fiona's feelings was becoming very real. Even with that in mind, anything actually coming from it was still very far from a sure thing, and even if she knew that railroading her friends into something they weren't yet equipped to deal with wasn't the best option, Anya feared that if she didn't act now, down the line the situation may be out of anyone's hands.

For anyone involved in a friendship that has the potential to become something more, there is a time when they will begin to chafe against the bounds of a platonic relationship, a tipping point with the only possible outcomes being the transformation or destruction of the friendship. Anya didn't doubt the commitment of either girl to maintaining their friendship, but she also knew that if this was indeed the path that Fiona and Holly J were on, their well-intentioned promises may end up amounting to nothing if they aren't able to take the next step when the time comes - and that time was very likely coming sooner than either of them realized.


	4. Chapter 4

Notes: This chapter is essentially a few short 'scenes' from the spring break trip, and will be wrapping up this section of the story - next chapter we're back to the grind at Degrassi.

Enjoy the chapter!

* * *

><p>With lidded eyes, a small moan of pleasure escaped from Holly J's lips. It was a soft sound, but to Fiona, it thundered, lingering and reverberating in her ears. A cascade of sensation rippled through her body. A quickening of the pulse, hands laced with sweat, breath on the verge of becoming ragged. Not too long ago, she would have recognized these as the familiar symptoms of a coming anxiety attack, but this was different - the growing heat under her skin was warm and enticing, not oppressive or stifling. Before she could make sense of what was happening, images came unbidden to Fiona's mind - tangled sheets, limbs in unlikely positions, breathless whispers and primal screams and-<p>

"Fiona?"

A forgotten fork clanged against her plate as Fiona snapped back to reality, noting that both Anya and Holly J were fixing her with a bemused gaze.

Holly J prodded gently. "You okay there, Fi? At the risk of sounding too mom-like, you're looking a little peaked."

Anya smirked. "Told you we should've skipped the oyster appetizer."

"No, I'm fine, just... thinking about what what we should have for dessert." It was a suitably flimsy excuse given the limited time she had to concoct it, but Fiona realized it probably wasn't that far from the truth. Had the breaks not been slammed on her train of thought, it was likely only a matter of time before whipped cream, strawberries, chocolate syrup and other innocent food products came into the picture.

It was disconcerting to Fiona that she could come so thoroughly unglued over something as seemingly innocuous as her friend enjoying a meal, even if she was still obviously carrying a torch for that friend, but it wasn't a great mystery _why _it had happened. Her feelings towards the opposite sex had always been tepid at best, and the few times she had allowed her eyes to linger on a leggy blonde had never been anything more than glimpses into a place she wasn't ready to arrive at yet. Only with Holly J had she ever felt such naked, immediate and unquestioned attraction.

"Well, why don't you put the dolce deliberations on hold and try some of my lobster ravioli. It is to die for." Holly J extended her fork in Fiona's direction, waiting for her friend to take a bite. For Fiona, still reeling from her bout of sexual frustration, the gesture was simply too much. Too familiar. Too cute. Too... couple-y. To Fiona this was in about the same league as sitting across from Holly J in The Dot, sharing a milkshake while they gazed lovingly into each other's eyes. A naive fantasy she simply couldn't allow herself to indulge, not anymore.

Fiona snatched the pasta from Holly J's fork with her hands, chewing hastily and without pleasure. "Yeah, yummy." The meal continued, quietly, Holly J more than a little nonplussed by Fiona's actions.

At a nearby table, a rousing cheer came up as the unmistakable pop of a bottle of champagne ejecting its cork filled the air. To Fiona, it may as well have been a gunshot. Already overstimulated for the night, this was, again, simply too much for her. The heat under her skin was returning. Not missing a beat, Holly J took hold of Fiona's fidgeting hand in her own, gently stroking it with her thumb. The effect was instantaneous, the tension in the air seeming to dissipate in a single moment.

Taking a deep, deliberate breath, Fiona gave Holly J a small smile, letting the other girl know that she was okay.

"Holly J?"

"Yeah, Fi?"

"Could I have another bite of ravioli?"

* * *

><p>Holly J shivered, already feeling the first signs of goosebumps forming as her skin hit the bracing yet undeniably chilly sea air. She had known immediately that any plan for an early spring expedition to the beach was optimistic at best, but Fiona had been adamant that it simply wouldn't be a proper spring break without <em>some <em>time spent soaking up the sun.

Having set up chairs and umbrellas on the otherwise barren stretch of beach, Fiona immediately set about preparing for a session of sunbathing, while her companions opted to recline in the shade. Retrieving a bottle of sunscreen from her bag, she began covering her arms, legs and stomach in the coconut-scented lotion. Having dispatched the easily accessible areas, Fiona paused. She didn't relish the idea of having to ask Holly J for help, and asking Anya would only draw attention to the obviously purposeful snubbing of the other girl. The best option seemed to be attempting to make it a non-issue.

Looking up from her book, Anya was greeted by quite a display, watching intently as Fiona struggled to apply the sunscreen to her back. Having not witnessed such as impressive display of contortion since her last yoga session with Riley, Anya decided to take advantage of the situation. She reached over to the next chair, lightly slapping Holly J on the arm with the back of her hand. No reaction. She tried again, drawing a languorous reply from her friend.

"What?"

Anya cocked her head in Fiona's direction.

"Yeah, Fiona's putting on sunscreen. I think I've heard of people at the beach doing that before."

Anya shrugged off the sarcasm coolly. This was familiar territory for her. "Doesn't it look like she's having some _trouble_?"

"If you're so concerned Fiona's SPF situation, why don't _you_ help her?"

Anya smiled. Too easy. "Why don't _you _want to?"

Issuing a challenge, _any _challenge, to Holly J Sinclair was the surest way to provoke the girl to action. Competitiveness, internally as much as with others, was both a driving force and her Achilles' heel, and it was the one button Anya knew she could always push. It was the single leveraging force she had against Holly J, who was by no means amenable to manipulation under most normal circumstances.

Holly J shot Anya a tight, mirthless smile, but nonetheless rose from her seat, approaching the spot where Fiona sat, still struggling with the sunscreen. Her demeanor softened immediately.

"You know, Anya and I _are _right over there. Not that your imitation of a pretzel isn't adorable."

Fiona scrambled. "Oh, yeah, I... you guys... looked comfortable. I didn't want to impose."

"Fiona." Holly J took the bottle of sunscreen from Fiona's hand. "For you, I'm always available. You know that, right?"

"Yeah. Of course." Fiona looked away, aware that they were precipitously close to having a conversation that didn't have much to do with sunscreen at all.

"Good." Holly J waved the bottle of sunscreen. "So, shall we?"

Fiona obliged, lying down on her stomach and untying the straps of her bikini top.

Squeezing sunscreen into her hands, Holly J's eyes settled on the smooth expanse of bare skin before her. She felt herself beginning to flush. At least the goosebumps were gone.

* * *

><p>Fiona ran a hand through her hair, grimacing slightly as she felt coarse grains of sand, the rough texture an unfamiliar companion to her normally downy tendrils.<p>

Holly J grinned, taking notice of her friend's preoccupation. "Got some hitchhikers, huh?"

Fiona shrugged. "Recreational hazard for a day at the beach, I suppose."

"Hey, look on the bright side, at least none of us got hypothermia."

Fiona returned a crooked grin to her friend. "Either way, a nice hot shower is calling my name. Why don't you guys go ahead and order room service, anything you want."

Fiona shed her outer layer of clothing, haphazardly tossing the garments on her bed before disappearing into the bathroom. Holly J, attempting to avert her eyes, had buried her head in a room service menu. Anya studied Holly J intently, noticing how she flinched slightly as the shower came to life behind the closed door, as if she could feel the sting of hot water rippling on her own skin. The minutes ticked by, and Anya decided to make her move.

"Having trouble deciding?"

It took a moment for Holly J to register the question. "Oh, uh, yeah, I guess I'm not very hungry."

Anya gave her friend a sly smile. "Well, sometimes what you want isn't on the menu."

If Holly J had a response to that statement, it was abandoned, as she discarded the menu and reached for the TV remote. Anya interjected quickly, not wanting to give the other girl a chance at becoming absorbed in another distraction.

"Holly J?"

Holly J froze, sighed, and released her grip on the remote, finally swiveling her head in Anya's direction, waiting for the other girl to continue.

Anya hesitated for a moment, unsure of how this was going to play out. "Why did you break up with Sav?"

The question was met with an incredulous gaze. "Sav. You want to talk about Sav. Anya, didn't we agree that this was a no-boys week? And if you _really _had to go there, couldn't it have been, I don't know, _anyone _but Sav?"

Holly J had made a good effort of presenting herself as nonchalant about the breakup, which Anya believed to be mostly sincere. It was, after all, quite obvious which side of the scale weighed heavier in that relationship. It was all too predictable that at least one of them would end up seeing the other as more than a stand-in, and it was unsurprising to Anya that it ultimately ended up being Sav. Much of Holly J's defensiveness on the subject was certainly due to lingering regret over choosing to end things only after it became clear that Sav was more invested than she was, but Anya sensed there was more to it, especially with recent events in mind.

"Please, just, humor me for a minute, okay? I won't bring it up again, and I promise it doesn't have anything to do with _me _and Sav."

"I just don't get why you're asking. I mean - the list? You saw firsthand, in excruciating detail, why I ended things with Sav."

Anya nodded. "Right, 'not feeling it,' I remember. I guess what I'm asking is, how long had you... not been feeling it?"

Holly J shrugged. "I don't know, a few weeks I guess."

"But you put off the actual breakup, because you wanted to avoid hurting Sav."

"Yeah, I... I guess."

"So what made you finally decide to end it?"

"I didn't want to keep stringing Sav along. He already had a lot more to lose than I did, putting it off any longer would have just been cruel." Anya's silence made Holly J uneasy. "Do you have a different theory?"

"No. I mean, it's just... maybe that wasn't the only reason. Maybe something changed, something that made you think about things differently. Made you think about... someone, differently."

Silence stretched over the room. Anya had laid it all out, as plainly as she could without actually saying the name. She had to let Holly J fill in _some _of the blanks, even if she expected a deliberately obtuse posture to be the other girl's initial reaction. The important thing was that it was now in Holly J's head, perhaps consciously for the first time, and what happened from here on out was now, for the most part, up to her... and Fiona.

"So, what's for dinner?"

The girls had been so absorbed in their conversation that neither had noticed the shower cutting off a few minutes past. Fiona now stood before them, clad only in a bath towel.

Anya replied steadily, never taking her eyes off of Holly J. "We couldn't decide. Holly J's still trying to figure out what she wants."

Holly J's head shot up, momentarily meeting Anya's gaze before she stood up and began walking briskly toward the bathroom. "I... I think I need a shower too, actually."

Fiona interjected. "You might want to wait a few minutes, I think I-" The door slammed shut. "-used up all the hot water." Fiona sent a questioning glance in Anya's direction. Anya simply shrugged. She had a feeling it was going to be a cold shower either way.


	5. Chapter 5

Fiona opened the front door of Degrassi, stepping out into the brisk chill of Toronto in early spring. The first day of the new semester had come and gone without incident, and though the usual grudging murmurs of students forcibly returned to the world of academia could be heard in the halls, Fiona found herself grateful for the calm and comforting routine of life at Degrassi, eager at what seemed her first real chance to finally put the tumult of the previous year to rest. The return to pattern and schedule brought her both much-needed stability and a guarded optimism, a sense that even if a completely uneventful conclusion to the school year was probably too much to hope for, the worst of it was likely behind her. At the very least, the absolute minimum, she figured, it was right about time for the law of averages to start kicking in, because the past year had, quite plainly, kicked her ass.

If there was to be an upswing in Fiona's fortune, however, it was not to be spearheaded by her habitually late car service. It was so predictable that it didn't really even bother her much anymore - she simply started to plan on finding distractions to pass the time while waiting on her tardy taxi. Resolving to take a stroll around the school to clear her head, Fiona noticed two figures on one of the athletic fields adjacent to the school, still clad in school-mandated blue and khaki. One, lean, lithe and agile, the other, sturdier, more robust, but still quick on his feet. Fiona approached the pair cautiously, not wanting to interrupt the two-man soccer game taking place.

Sports in general had never held any great fascination for Fiona, but seen in miniature, it was easier for her to appreciate the appeal - the tight, consuming focus, the intricate yet seemingly effortless tango of mind and muscle. Even great dance partners do occasionally miss a step, though, and before Fiona knew it a slip of the foot sent a blur of black and white careening straight for her head. Extending her arms and turning her head to shield herself from the wayward projectile, she felt the ball come to rest in her palms as two pairs of curious eyes landed in her direction.

Eyes wide, the larger boy was the first to speak. "Fiona?"

Fiona shot the ball back to Riley, which he reflexively snatched from the air, never taking his eyes off of her. "Looked like a pretty intense match. I better let you guys get back to it." Fiona turned to leave - she wanted to talk, but she also wanted to give Riley the option not to.

"Fiona, wait up..."

Fiona stopped, turning on her heel and approaching the boys as a curious Zane looked on, doing his best to size up the situation. Riley had mentioned Fiona to him before, but never in any great detail. A large part of the other boy's recent past had remained closed to Zane, but in this case it wasn't a great stretch for him to surmise how things had went - a deeply closeted gay guy and a decoy girlfriend who wasn't buying it for a second didn't exactly have the makings of a partnership that would end amicably.

Remembering his manners, Riley made a quick round of introductions. "Fiona, this is Zane, Zane, Fiona."

Fiona smiled at the smaller boy, but kept one eye on Riley as she spoke. "Nice to meet you. Really nice to meet you, actually."

Zane also stole a glance at Riley before responding. "Likewise." Noticing his boyfriend shifting anxiously where he stood, Zane sensed it was probably an appropriate time to make his exit. "Well, you two look like you have a lot to catch up on. Fiona, really nice to meet you." Zane turned to Riley. "As for you - same time tomorrow, we've obviously got some work to do."

Riley smiled broadly, giving his boyfriend a playful shove. "Get outta here." He watched Zane's retreating form for a moment before turning his attention back to Fiona, gesturing that they should sit at a nearby bench. "I wasn't sure you were ever going to speak to me again."

Fiona laughed knowingly. "And just what gave you that idea?"

"Probably the fact that the last thing you said to me was 'We don't talk anymore'."

"Well, a lot's changed since then, I think we can officially end the embargo."

"Yeah, I'd like that." Riley paused for a moment before continuing. "I never apologized for acting like such a jerk. I wanted to, but..."

Fiona waved him off. "Don't worry about it. I've kind of been in and out of Degrassi this year, and I think we both got pretty absorbed in our own stuff. But, for the record, I accept your mea culpa."

Riley shook his head. "When I think about the way I acted back then, to everyone, I just... it doesn't even seem like me."

"I think it was probably easier for you to _not _be you, even if Not You was kind of a..."

Riley laughed. "Douchebag?"

"Something like that. I... I think when we come up against something that we don't know how to deal with, we usually end up choosing the worst possible way, even when better ones are right in front of us."

Riley prodded gently. "Sounds like there's a story there."

"Yeah, a long one. Suffice it to say this past year I've had a lot of my own practice acting like an idiot and alienating people close to me. I think that's actually a big part of why your whole Dr. Jekyll act got under my skin so much. I saw a lot of myself in you, and what I was seeing..."

"Wasn't very pretty."

Fiona nodded. "I just... I always felt like we had a connection. Something deeper than just a shared appreciation of Scandinavian cinema, you know? At first I thought it might have been a romantic connection, but..."

Riley laughed. "I'm guessing it didn't take too long after your little run-in at The Break Room to cross that one off the list."

Fiona smiled. "Well, believe it or not, _that _actually turned out to be our real connection." Fiona studied Riley intently, hoping she had given him enough to complete the circuit on his own. She watched the shifting sands of his facial expressions for a few moments before it seemed that the light had went off in his head.

"Wait, Fiona, are you saying that you're...?"

"Gay."

Riley stared at Fiona in mild shock for a few moments but quickly regained his composure. "So basically, I pretended to date a lesbian to try and prove that I wasn't gay. Wait, you didn't know this when we were...?"

"No, it's a pretty recent development actually. You know, it's funny, we really had kind of the opposite problem. I think you always knew you were gay, you just wished you weren't. Well, _I _didn't know, but I wish I did. I probably could have avoided the better part of all my drama this year if I'd realized it earlier."

"Sometimes it feels like most of _my _drama didn't even start until after I came out. I'm glad things were a little easier for you, or at least a little less violent."

Fiona laughed. "Well, no broken noses so far but I think I did kind of break a really nice guy's heart in the process. It's really just been a relief though, I feel like I actually know what I want for the first time in... I don't know, maybe ever."

Riley narrowed his eyes at Fiona, sensing there was something just below the surface. "But...?"

"I..." Fiona sighed, quietly exasperated. "It just seems like whenever I start getting to a good place, there's always a catch, a gotcha. I just want something good in my life that doesn't come with any fine print."

Riley gave Fiona a somewhat bitter smile. "Well, I've got some bad news for you. Being gay... kinda comes with a lot of fine print. At least it does for me."

Fiona sighed, calming herself. "Yeah, I, I know, and honestly I have a lot to be thankful for. I already came out to my friends and family and they've all been amazing."

"Alright so, what I'm hearing is: liking girls - OK. So I'm guessing the problem might be liking a _certain _girl?"

Fiona groaned, beginning to think that she always the last to know what was going on in her own life. "Am I _that_ transparent?"

Riley leaned in conspiratorially, driven by a sudden giddy urgency which Fiona found both amusing and alarming. "It's Holly J isn't it?"

Fiona groaned, again. "Okay, it's official - I _am _that transparent."

Riley leaned back regally on the bench, obviously pleased with his powers of perception. "Come on, Fiona, give me some credit here. I know we haven't been talking lately, but I'm not blind - you guys are totally attached at the hip, like, literally." Riley scooted against Fiona to drive his point home, before being unceremoniously pushed back to his own side of the bench.

"I'm thinking it might be time to un-attach myself - a little. Just... get out there, meet some new people. Being around her all the time, it just... makes me think about things that aren't ever going to happen."

Riley decided not to beat around the bush. "Are you in love with her?"

Taken aback, Fiona tried to turn things around. "Are you in love with Zane?"

"Are you trying to change the subject?"

Fiona sighed, disappointed that Riley seemed unfazed by the abrupt redirect. "Actually, I was kind of hoping that two unwanted questions might cancel each other out. But I guess if you're offering I am a little curious about you and Zane."

Riley bowed his head, deliberately considering his words before he spoke. "There's... a lot of stuff I'm still not sure about, in general and... with Zane. But... the whole time I was going nuts trying to prove I was straight, there was always someone there, telling me it was okay that I was gay, that I'd figure things out, that I didn't have to do anything I wasn't ready for. Against all odds, some of them even managed to get through my thick skull, but, Zane... he was the first one who actually made me feel, as messed up as I was, that I wasn't a lost cause, that I could actually survive being gay, being... me." Riley looked up to see Fiona wiping her eyes, trying her best to bite back tears. He didn't want to interrupt the moment, but felt a warning was in order as he noticed a figure approaching them in the distance. "Um..." Riley tilted his head.

Following his gaze, Fiona caught sight of a slender girl in a familiar red peacoat heading their way. She gave Holly J a halfhearted wave as she approached, hoping she didn't betray any signs of distress.

"Fiona... what are you still doing here? Just can't get enough of Degrassi?"

"My car's late, again. What about you, I thought you had student council stuff for the next hour?"

"Yeah, we decided to break early today. First day of school and everything, no one's really in the mood. Um, my mom's going to be here in a few minutes to pick me up, you want to cancel your car and just ride with me? We could hang at the condo for a while..."

It was a question that wouldn't normally be cause for her to take pause, but Fiona found herself hesitating as she felt Riley's gaze on her. "You know, it's probably going to be here in a couple minutes, I think I'll just wait it out, thanks."

"Well, let's wait together." Holly J fixed Riley with a pointed look. "Unless... you and Riley weren't finished."

Riley decided to field that one on his own, barely stifling a mischievous grin. "No, I think we're done here, you guys go on."

Fiona rose from her seat, turning to Riley and giving him a warm, sincere smile. "Thanks."

He nodded back, smiling to himself as he watched the pair head off, linking arms as they went, walking side by side. Attached at the hip.


	6. Chapter 6

Notes: I just began what is going to be a very busy semester, so unfortunately updates will probably be taking a little longer for me to get out from this point on. Stay with me! Thanks again to everyone for reading and enjoy the chapter.

* * *

><p>Fiona collapsed dramatically, limbs splayed across the spacious couch as she heaved an exaggerated sigh. "How do you do it?"<p>

Holly J took a seat beside Fiona, shooing off an errant leg to make room. "Do what?"

"I'm struggling to keep my head above water long enough to graduate with my class, and you're probably wondering, at this very moment, whether you can squeeze in that fifth or sixth extracurricular just for fun."

Holly J threw a teasing smile at her friend. "You could always go back to Degrassi next fall..."

Fiona shot up. "Flunk my senior year, are you kidding me? I'd never hear the end of it from Declan."

"Well, it wouldn't exactly be flunking... you did kind of have extenuating circumstances this year."

"Yeah, I guess that's one way to put it. If by extenuating circumstances you mean an abusive boyfriend and a monkey on my back."

Holly J winced. "Sorry."

Fiona looked back at her friend quizzically. "For what?"

"Just... making you think of all that again. I know how hard you've been working to put that stuff behind you."

"Yeah, I, I have, but... you know you don't have to walk on eggshells around me, right? There's always going to be _something _that reminds me of that time, it's pretty much inevitable and I need to learn how to deal with it."

"Yeah, I know, but, those things are..." Holly J gestured around their space. "...out there, you know? No matter how much I wish I could, I can't control them. I just... I never want anything that _I_ say or do to hurt you, even a little bit."

Fiona studied the pattern on a nearby pillow intently, tracing the movement of the lines with her eyes. "It's actually gotten a lot easier for me to take a step back from everything lately. I know it's easy to focus on everything that went wrong, but, in a weird way it all kind of worked out for the best. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not trying to minimize anything that happened. It's just... sometimes I think, like, what if Bobby wasn't a jerk, what if he was-"

Holly J cut in, the slow burn of anger getting the best of her. "But he _was _a jerk Fiona. He was an abusive asshole and if you're trying to make any kind of excuse for him..." Holly J tapered off, having realized before she even began that the accusation was off-base. "I'm sorry, Fiona, I know you're not trying to apologize for him at all, I guess I just have some pent-up anger toward the good Mr. Beckenridge. Trust me, that was about him, not you."

Fiona dismissed her, but was put somewhat on the edge by the uncharacteristic outburst. "Don't worry about it, believe me I'm definitely sympathetic to anger on that subject." She paused, watching as Holly J gave her a small nod, indicating she should continue. "I just think... what if Bobby was that sweet, perfect guy everyone wanted him to be, that _I _thought I wanted him to be? How long would I have kept pretending that was what I wanted? How many more insane meltdowns could I have had before everyone just gave up on me?"

Holly J sat up straight, looking her friend earnestly in the eyes. "Fiona. Your parents, Declan... me. None of us would ever give up on you."

"I think Declan was pretty close, back in New York, and who could blame him after all the crap I pulled?"

"That's not true. Declan just... didn't know how to help you."

"And how could he? We've always been so close, but... we never really talked about what was actually going on with me, which I guess was mostly because I was barely ready acknowledge it myself." Fiona looked away again, resuming her study of the pillow. It felt like she constantly had to tiptoe around conversations with Holly J, carefully trying to cordon off the danger zones, but so little of what she had been through made sense in isolation that inevitably it always came back to a single point, it always came back to Holly J. "I'm just... glad I ended up here."

Holly J smiled, lightly taking Fiona's hand in her own, stroking rhythmically with her thumb. "So am I."

Fiona recoiled, temporary paralysis giving way to violent action. She scooted back on the couch, creating distance. "Maybe we should call it a night. I really do have a ton of work to do here."

Holly J balked. "Fiona. It's 9 o'clock, on a Friday... I think you can safely put the books down for the night."

Fiona stood. "I just... kind of have a lot on my mind right now. I think you can probably understand that."

Holly J frowned. "Yeah... yeah, I definitely can."


	7. Chapter 7

Notes: First of all, I'd like to thank some of my fellow writers for providing a large chunk of the inspiration for this chapter. I've noticed a couple other writers riffing on this plot point in their stories - that the page from Fiona's diary was likely subconsciously intended for Holly J rather than Adam. It seems logical after the fact, but I'm not sure I would have thought to go in that direction myself. I think it works out perfectly here though, so thanks for the inspiration guys! And as always, thanks to everyone for reading - enjoy the chapter!

* * *

><p>Holly J scanned the hallway, patiently waiting as the sea of red, yellow, purple and blue spread out before her. It wasn't long before she spotted her mark - the student population of Degrassi may look more homogeneous these days, but no matter what, she was always able to find Fiona in a crowd. Locking eyes, she took easy strides to meet the other girl.<p>

"Hey, we on for lunch? Believe it or not I'm actually completely free today." Having spent most of her lunch periods recently with a sandwich in one hand and a pen in the other, Holly J relished the rare opportunity to provide Fiona with nothing less than her full attention, which is what she always wanted to give the other girl.

Fiona stumbled for a moment. "Wow, uh... bad luck, I was actually planning on just finding a study room myself. Calculus is kind of kicking my butt."

Holly J knew that Fiona had been working hard since her return to Degrassi, and that it was petty to resent her for being unavailable, especially given that in the past it had always been _her _schedule that kept them apart, but Fiona's excuse just seemed too convenient. "Fiona, come on. This is once in a blue moon territory here, I feel like I'm tempting fate by even telling you that I don't have anything to do."

Fiona swallowed, battling back against the urge to take the shovel Holly J had just handed her and dig herself even deeper. It would be so easy, so justifiable for her to be indignant over the other girl's implication that it was a problem when she was the tail that wagged the dog. Of course, she knew better - as much as she thought they needed space, she never wanted to drive a wedge between them. "Sorry." Having settled on the only sincere thing she could say at that moment, Fiona hastily turned and walked away, leaving a speechless Holly J in her wake.

"Wow, I guess you do know what it's like to be in the doghouse with her."

Holly J spun around at the voice, coming face to face with a boy wearing an expression that threatened to be a grin but wasn't quite there.

"Adam, hey."

Adam nodded, his expression sobering slightly.

Holly J bit back a sigh, not wanting to appear uncharitable. She wasn't in the mood for a tete-a-tete, especially given what the topic of conversation was certain to be, though that was also exactly why she couldn't just brush Adam off - it wouldn't be fair to deny him a measure of, albeit indirect, closure with Fiona. Managing a tight smile, she led Adam to a nearby vacant room, motioning for him to sit. "So I guess you probably haven't spoken with Fiona recently. I know things must still be pretty weird for you. You know, she feels terrible about how things ended with you two."

"Yeah, that's kind of why I've been avoiding her." Adam took a moment before continuing. "What happened... sucked, and for a while I was pretty pissed, at her, at me for being stupid enough to think I could actually have a shot with a girl like Fiona, but..." Adam shook his head. "Well, if anyone understands how complicated things can get... I wish things had turned out differently, but, I can't hold that against her." The near-grin returned to his face. "So, since I never actually got a confirmation from her, Fiona _is _actually gay, right?"

Holly J smiled. "Yeah, she came out to me a couple days after you guys broke up." She only now realized how astonishing it seemed that she wasn't able to connect the dots sooner, about Fiona's sexuality in general and the other girl's feelings for her in particular. Try as she might, the only excuse she could muster was the sheer power of willful ignorance.

Adam nodded, having received the answer he knew he would. "Fiona's been through a lot. She needs to move on, and... so do I." He reached into his pocket, pulling out a neatly-folded piece of paper which he placed on the table between them. "Take it."

Holly J tentatively unfolded the paper, eyes moving from the deeply-set ridges where the page had been creased, to the worn, bent edges, and finally to the neat, flowing script she knew so well. "Adam... why are you giving me this? Fiona wrote this about you, and you should keep it, even if things couldn't work between you two."

Adam shook his head resolutely. "No. No, it was never about me. Maybe she wanted it to be, but... even if my name was right there on the page, I don't think it was ever in the words."

Holly J lost her grip on the page as she felt her hands go slack. "Adam, what are you saying?"

"You just said it yourself - it's not that things _didn't _work out with us, it's that they _couldn't_. When we first started going out Fiona made this big deal about not wanting anything physical, but that's all it really turned out to be with us. We only ever had the physical connection, the easy part, and even then it was never a real connection. Fiona... only really wanted the part of me that I don't." Adam rose from his seat. "I know this is a lot to deal with, but... you're smart." He looked back at Holly J from the doorway, finally wearing a full, if bittersweet, smile. "You'll figure it out."


	8. Chapter 8

Notes: I apologize for the delay in getting this chapter up. This past semester was extremely hectic, but I should have much more time to write now. Thanks for sticking with me and enjoy the chapter!

* * *

><p>Holly J Sinclair had never considered herself to be much of a romantic, in any sense of the word. The fantastic, the fanciful and the improbable held little appeal for her when it was so much more satisfying to focus on what <em>could <em>be attained through simple hard work and always holding oneself to the highest standards. She preferred to set and realize tangible goals, to own and respect her own strength and ability rather than to let nebulous fantasies serve as a distraction from living up to her ambitions. It was fine to have dreams, but hers had always been a bit different - growing up, most of her friends dreamt of the beautiful dress, the storybook chapel, and of course, Mr. Right. For her, the dream had always been more along the lines of the power suit and the office with a view. Mr. Right would come in time, but she had no qualms with putting him on the back burner - most of the time.

Of course, Holly J was by no means immune to the pressures of adolescence. Wild hormones played their part, and made a fine scapegoat for some of her less dignified moments, but more than anything, and more than she ever would or could admit, her mistakes were defined by self-imposed pressure and the fanatical need to never be outdone. To always be the best, and always be the first, or failing that - at least not the last. To date, only one person had truly made Holly J believe that she could actually have a relationship with nothing to prove - at least, nothing to anyone but each other. She still didn't consider herself any kind of authority on love, or even relationships in general, but with Declan she had a taste of something good, something real, something at once frightening and exhilarating.

After Declan, almost anything would be an anticlimax, which in many ways was exactly what Holly J wanted, and got, with Sav. If nothing else, her time spent with Sav led her to realize, unequivocally, that she was not the type who wanted or needed to fill her time with go-nowhere relationships. Spending some time in a comfortable holding pattern with Sav was supposed to be a diversion, but ended up both distracting and emotionally draining. Any worthwhile relationship took effort, Holly J understood that, but she also knew that they should never be a chore. In hindsight, she appreciated how long it had taken for her and Declan to get off the ground - as frustrating as their pre-relationship limbo had often been, it allowed them the needed space to feel around the edges, to test each other, to slip up before anything could really be broken, before they were playing for keeps.

Now, history seemed to be repeating itself. The parallels, had she been looking for them, were nakedly, even painfully obvious, but for how improbable, for how incredible the entire situation was, Holly J felt that she might be able to get away with simply not looking. Now, it was impossible to avoid, and stupid to deny. Indecision was against her nature; she had never sought or needed permission, approval or validation to take what she wanted, and she never thought better of it - until, piece by piece, she began to lose everything she had taken. That, really, was the heart of the matter. With Declan, they had both understood completely what was on the line - they had never really been friends, _just _friends, so there was nothing to fall back on, no consolation prize if they didn't work out. With Fiona, it wasn't that simple.

How she and Fiona had come this far was still somewhat difficult for Holly J to fathom. When she left New York, it seemed that they had arrived at a détente, but little more. She doubted they would ever be painting their nails together, but she could deal with somewhat strained civility as long as long as it meant an end to any further blowouts with Declan. She hadn't counted on the late-night calls, hadn't expected how genuine her concern for the other girl would become, and she certainly hadn't been prepared to be Fiona's first port of call while on the lam from Bobby. More than anything, she hadn't expected to be so utterly terrified at the prospect of losing what they now had, even if there was a big part of her that wanted more than anything to find out what they _could _have.

If there was a time for action, Holly J knew it was rapidly approaching. The stress fractures were already starting to form in her relationship with Fiona, and if she delayed much longer there was a very strong possibility that it would simply be out of her hands - and if there was a chance she could lose Fiona either way, why _wouldn't _she go for it? That was the rational line of thought, but Holly J knew that this was not going to come down to a rational decision. Her relationship with Fiona had never been dictated by logic or expectation, and in many ways defied expectation at every turn - they had always just played it by ear, feeling things out, and this, too, simply needed to be felt.

Some things Holly J held so firmly in her grip she squeezed the life out of them. Now, what she wanted most seemed to be rapidly slipping through her fingers. She knew now that she needed to find the middle ground, because some things are worth holding on to.


End file.
